Not just blending families, but blending parenting styles ...

Soon after Melissa Delanty remarried, her first parenting argument broke out -- over socks. Delanty's husband brought home a package for each of his two sons, as he did every year come schooltime. This year, the thoughtful gesture got him in trouble.

"I was immediately hurt by that," says Delanty, who also has two biological children. "Why wouldn't he get socks for all four kids? Why would he just get socks for two kids?"

Fifteen years later Delanty, a licensed professional counselor in Tigard who specializes in divorce and remarriage, has learned to "let the small stuff go." And her husband has learned to buy four sets of socks.

Welcome to parenting in the?blended family, an obstacle course dotted with baggage and vulnerabilities, where seemingly harmless actions can seem loaded with meaning.

Unlike nuclear families, stepparents come together with already-established philosophies and routines; and instead of having years to grow into their roles together, they're immediately thrown into what sometimes seems like a real-life version of "Survivor."

You'll want to tread carefully.

Normally I would insert a touching anecdote here about lessons we've learned in blended co-parenting. But my husband and I don't pretend to be poster children for handling conflict. In fact, we can be downright atrocious. We're selfish, take things personally, get easily defensive and usually think our way is right. And by "we" I mean "he." OK, OK -- "we."

Enter professionals like Delanty, who says we're pretty much par for the course.

"We have so much more time in a traditional family to jointly develop our parenting style," she says. "In a blended family, we jump in with set ways of being and thinking and parenting, and also with children who are used to that."

Kathy Masarie, a Portland pediatrician and author, says many of the struggles are similar to those faced by any couple; but in stepfamilies, you "go from zero to 100 in bringing that awareness" of differences.

The most common paradigm is what Masarie calls the "Mother Teresa-John Wayne" -- one parent more permissive and democratic, the other heavier-handed and authoritarian. Hm, I guess I really DO think I'm Mother?Teresa.?

Delanty says even more problematic than the MT-JW are the Loosey-Gooseys, the parents who both are unstructured. "Then it's a real mess because kids get no direction."?

More challenges to stepfamily parenting: ?

Inconsistency in the home: Custody schedules can wreak havoc. With all the coming and going of children, finding a routine and time to work on issues can seem next to impossible.

Fairness: One of the most difficult challenges in parenting stepkids and biological kids is making them feel equal. Sometimes just buying that extra two pairs of socks makes all the difference.

The Mama Bear/Papa Bear instinct: You might recognize this tendency for biological -- or bio -- parents to jump to their child's defense.

But take heart. While different philosophies can be frustrating, Masarie says they are normal, and can even be positive.

"It's not a bad thing for kids to learn to get along with different styles of people and different approaches," she says. "And Mother Teresa and John Wayne can learn a lot from each other."

Workshop offered

Stepcoupling: A three-hour workshop based from retired therapist Susan Wisdom's book?and offered periodically by Delanty's office, Therapy and Counseling Services; for couples who are trying to cope with the complexity of blended families. For information, call (503) 620-3302.Can we? My "John Wayne" places a lot of importance on competency and rules, while my values center around self-esteem and independence (an apple doesn't fall far from her hippie family tree). Our parenting methods reflect those emphases.

Taken together, you end up with one well-rounded philosophy. The truth is, I appreciate the added structure he brings to our household, even if I don't always think it's flexible. And he admires my nurturing approach, even if he doesn't always think it's effective. But we both feel judged sometimes -- and there's nothing harder to take than someone criticizing your parenting.

So (hypothetically speaking), how do two oversensitive, strong-willed adults reach a balance without feeling as if they're compromising their values or sacrificing their children's well-being??

It all starts with effective communication. If you aren't good at it, practice and get help. I say this from experience -- because we aren't good at it, and we get help. This is touchy stuff. It's important to be able to express how you feel, even though some of it won't be pretty.?Other strategies:

Talk about the values behind your methods. Most of us model behaviors from our childhood, even if we don?t necessarily realize it, Delanty says. If you?re able to identify why you do something, it?s easier to leave your defenses at the door and reach a compromise.?Schedule?regular adult-only discussions dedicated to dealing with parenting issues.?Instead of getting your own way, focus on meeting everyone?s needs in some way. If the values are being met, does the method matter so much? ?

Let the bio- or adoptive parent be the main disciplinarian. Resist the urge to treat your stepkids with the same authority as your bio- or adopted kids. After hashing out parenting issues in private and coming to a compromise, have the natural parent lay down the law. When a stepparent is in charge, make sure the rules are clear ahead of time.?

Equal but unique. As parents, we strive to make our children feel as though they're being treated fairly by both parents and in comparison with siblings; as well as honored separately and valued for their differences. That's not easy in any family, and exponentially harder in stepfamilies. Give all the kids responsibilities ? chore days and family projects can also create bonding time (maybe not what they'd choose, but that's life). Make time for each child's interests and activities.

Create consistency. Figure out consequences, and stick with them. Create whatever routines you can, and make them a priority.

Don't criticize your partner in front of the kids. On the flip side, children need to see how their parents resolve conflict. Use family meetings as a respectful platform to discuss issues and problem-solve.

There's one more item on this and every blended family tips list, so I'll include it one more time: Patience. "It's just so much bigger than any other parent has to put up with," says Masarie.

When things get to be too much for me, I'll sit down and watch the slideshow our daughter made us for our wedding reception. It reminds me why I'm doing this, and how much I love the guy I've hitched my horse to. Sometimes, the only way to get past defeat or discouragement is through inspiration.?

-- Heidi Williams

This is part of an occasional guest series for The Omamas blog that addresses challenges relevant and unique to blended families.

Do you have frustrations or stories of success? Questions about your specific parenting situation? Send them along.?

Source: http://blog.oregonlive.com/themombeat/2012/09/blended_families_when_your_par.html

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